Teenage Secrets: What’s Normal & When to Be Concerned

If you’re the parent of a tween or teen, you’ve probably found yourself shaking your head and wondering, “How is my child growing up so quickly?” They seem to change more every day!  

Physical growth may cause your “little one” to tower above you, and emotional changes can turn your once-chatty child into an uncommunicative teenager. But just as physical growth is a natural part of your child’s development, so too is their longing for more independence and privacy, and that may cause them to share less with you than before. 

However, while it’s normal for teens to begin keeping some things to themselves, it’s also important for parents to understand when secretive behavior is cause for concern. Let’s examine which teenage secrets are part of healthy development and which may be signs that they’re participating in risky behaviors, such as underage drinking. 

Why do teens keep secrets? 

Adolescents begin forming their own identities as they grow toward adulthood. They become more self-reliant and don’t feel the need to share every detail of their lives with their parents. That’s usually a good thing. After all, raising a child who becomes an independent and well-adjusted adult is the goal of most parents. Here are some common (and completely normal) behaviors you might see from your teen: 

• Wanting More Personal Space: Most teens spend a lot of time alone in their rooms. They may be listening to music, playing video games with friends, studying for a big test, or just taking a break from the very real pressures of being a teenager. Teens usually become more sensitive about parents or siblings barging in without knocking. It’s important to respect their need for privacy just as you expect them to respect yours. 

• Having Private Conversations: Don’t be surprised if your teen prefers to talk with friends in private and doesn’t want to give you free access to their social media accounts. Loyalty among friends is especially important to teens, so they don’t want to have a parent within earshot or looking over their shoulder during a discussion about crushes or other personal information. That said, it’s important to maintain awareness of how and with whom your teen is spending their time, even online, to make sure they are not engaging in or being victimized by unsafe behavior like cyberbullying or sexting. 

• Sharing Fewer Details: When your child was younger, they may have shared every detail of their school day with you. Now they’d rather talk with their friends, if they feel like talking at all. Since they’re beginning to form their own opinions, they may resist expressing their thoughts because they fear judgment. 

When should I be concerned? 

While some secrecy is nothing to worry about, other behaviors can suggest that your teen is hiding something more serious. Watch for these red flags: 

• Drastic Shifts in Behavior: A sudden change in mood, personality, or interests can point to a problem. If your straight-A student experiences a dramatic drop in grades or becomes withdrawn, you need to find out why. 

• Physical Changes: Bloodshot eyes, slurred speech, changes in appetite, weight loss, or bruises may indicate substance misuse or other risky behaviors. 

• Deception: If your teen lies to you about where they’re going, who they’re going with or what they’ll be doing, it may indicate that they’re doing something unsafe. 

• Underage Drinking: Is your teenager sneaking alcohol from your home or getting it from somewhere else? Have you found alcohol among your teen’s belongings or smelled it on their breath? 

Steps to take if you’re worried 

If the teenage secrets in your house seem to be beyond what’s normal, here are some tips for approaching your teen: 

1. Stay Calm: Don’t assume the worst. Express your concerns without anger or accusations, and remind your teen that you’re only asking because you care about their well-being. 
2. Listen: Encourage your teen to talk by asking open-ended questions and listening without interruption to their responses. For instance, you might say, “You’ve been spending a lot of time alone lately. Talk to me about what’s going on in your life and anything that might be bothering you.” 
3. Establish Clear Boundaries: Although it’s important to respect your teen’s privacy, it’s equally important to set clear expectations for them. Make sure they know risky behaviors like underage drinking are unacceptable and against your family’s rules. 
4. If Necessary, Get Professional Help: A counselor, therapist, or healthcare provider can offer guidance if your teen is misusing alcohol or engaging in other dangerous activities. 

Start the Conversation 

Whether you’re concerned about teenage secrets, know your teen is drinking alcohol, or want to begin educating your child about the risks of underage drinking, you’ll find the information you need on the Talk it Out NC website. Developing a line of open and honest communication with your child about the importance of avoiding alcohol is one of the most important things you can do as a parent and could even lead to them to trusting you with more of their secrets. Our resources will help you Start the Conversation today!